For the first time in a long time, I’m not here to apologize for not blogging. Not because I’ve been blogging a lot. Clearly, I haven’t been. No, I’m not apologizing, because I’m not sorry I haven’t been blogging. I got an email about a week ago from the lovely BlogHer ladies reminding me I hadn’t posted in two weeks. Usually when I get these emails, I’m stung with guilt. I usually rack my brain for something to post and throw something up, head hung low in shame. That didn’t happen this time, and I’ve been trying to figure out why.
Thinking back over the last few months, I realized that the only times I’ve really been driven to post has been when I’ve been stressed, tired, or needed to vent. Lately, I haven’t felt like that. These last three weeks, I’ve been genuinely happy. Work has been stressful and crazy, but good. My personal life has been weirdly calm, simple, and comforting. I’ve figured out that when I’m happy, I kind of just want to keep it to myself.
I don’t want to share it with the internet. Maybe I think I’ll jinx it. Maybe I’ve taken one to many TV writing class where I’ve been told no one likes stories without conflict or drama. Maybe (no….for sure) I’m not as amazing a writer as some of my blog friends, who can make even the smallest and happiest things in their lives interesting and funny in a way I can’t. Whatever it is, I don’t like writing about good things.
And the weird slash sad thing is, I haven’t really missed writing about my life, probably because I’ve been pretty happy living it. And now thinking back over the last three years since I started blogging, I’ve found that the times I’ve blogged the most have been when my life has been at its (relative) worst. (Note: I’m not claiming my life has ever been terrible.)
For instance, I think my blog hit its creative peak the miserable summer I spent living basically alone in Boston before my senior year. I needed blogging to be creative and sane and to have human contact. Now, my creativity and human contact is tapped out during the day, so when I come home, the last thing I feel like doing is giving any energy to the internet.
I don’t know what this means for my blog right now. I’m still trying to figure that out. In a way, I kind of want to take an indefinite break and keep living my life. On the other hand, I love my blog, despite my neglect. And I don’t plan on being happy forever. I don’t think I’m that lucky. I’m sure in the future I’ll have another miserable summer where I’ll need my blog to stay sane. I don’t know when that will be, though. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.