The Start of Something Big

Yesterday I got a package in the mail. My mom asked if I ordered something online. Sadly, I answered, no. It wasn’t a fun jewlery or a new MacBook. It was books. Many books. 8 large, bound, small-print books from Teach for America. Books with titles like Instructional Planning and Delivery; Diversity, Community and Achievement; Literacy Theory, and Classroom Management and Culture. Basically, it’s four years worth of college educational instruction packed into 8 books of information for me to read in the next four months.

Thankfully, they break it down into 8 easily stomached lessons to get through in the next few weeks. It’s not that overwhelming time wise, but it is definitely overwhelming emotion wise.

The first reading is about a successful TFA corps members and her struggles and triumphs over four years of teaching in Houston, TX. It is already SO hard to imagine myself doing half the things or having half the successes that she has.

In fact, I had a dream slash nightmare about it last night, where I was kicking ass on my first day of school only to have half of my 50 (yes 50! My classroom was for some reason more akin to a college lecture hall, except it was filled with judging 14 year-olds) students walk out of the room in anger over something I’d said, all while I was being observed by the school’s principal and my program director from TFA. I woke up feeling like a failure, reminding myself that it was a dream and I hadn’t failed at anything yet.

I keep replaying the words one of the TFA staffers told me on the phone the night I was accepted: “We don’t make mistakes. If we choose you to be a corps member, we have no doubt that you can do this. Just imagine that there are students out here waiting for you.” I just have to internalize that myself.